Musings

Jena said now that I'm pregnant I have to restart my blog. I don't know about that yet, but there are some things I wanted to write down before I forget them so why not....

Right now I'm 18 weeks and 5 days. In some ways I don't feel pregnant at all and in some ways I do a lot. I feel like my appetite has come back to a much more normal level. I still wake up every night to go to the bathroom. This has been since the very beginning; I'm sure it's only going to get worse. I am tired. A lot. Not quite as bad as the first trimester but many days I get home from work and I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleeping isn't the most fun thing because I like to sleep on my back and stomach; both of which I'm told not to do. Sleeping on my back makes my back hurt and on my stomach lasts for about 30 minutes before it hurts that way too. Oh, it's also about a million degrees here. It's been very warm very early for us which is not good for me. I tried several times to keep running but that just wasn't going to happen and may have been part of the reason at week 15 I ended up at the doctors and having an unplanned ultrasound; so I have stopped that. My last 'complaint' is either sitting too much at work or my chair. I'm not sure which is the problem but I get pretty uncomfortable from either my work chair or not moving around enough at work. I need to just get up and stand and stretch a little but I've had to double cover a lot and that keeps me busy where I forget.

All of these things are really little and I realize that. This has not been a 'difficult' pregnancy. I haven't enjoyed being pregnant though and here is why, I think. For 11 years there have been no false alarms, no miscarriages, no anything. I've been told by multiple doctors that I would have to pursue fertility treatments to get pregnant. On top of that for easily 10-12 years I have had girl issues ongoing, every time I went to the doctor, etc. I can say this now, that thankfully about 2 years or so ago my problems got worse which led me to a therapist trying to find out if this was more than a medical issue. Thank you to this therapist she wanted me to get a second opinion and referred me to the best doctor and staff ever, Dr. Brooks. He is the only doctor since I was 18 that listened. He talked me through a lot of frustrations and didn't give up and we went through a lot of different treatments to finally get me to a point where I could say I was okay. So having spent 10+ years feeling out of control and frustrated with my body I was finally to a point where I knew what was going on. I recognized when things were okay and when they weren't. Well..... throw in pregnancy and I am not in control of my body again and I don't know what is going on and I don't know if it's right or normal. Put that on top of being completely blown away to even be pregnant and not entirely believing it means that there is a lot of wondering and worrying about things. There is a need for a lot of reassurance that only seems to come once a month when my doctor listens to the heartbeat or at an ultrasound. So that is why I am not a fan of being pregnant.

Now supposedly I should be feeling 'flutters'. What the hell is a flutter? I've googled it, I've asked people, and everyone has a different answer. I think everyone just calls a flutter what they think a flutter is and no one really knows if it is or if it isn't. (See my above comment about wanting reassurance. This 'flutter' crap is not offering that because I don't know if I'm feeling a flutter or gas).

I'm debating how long I want this post to be... but since it's really just for me.... who cares. Going back to when I first found out. I didn't even take a test for about 3 weeks because it wasn't unusual for me to be late back in the pre-Dr. Brooks days.... but it was Friday February 7th that I decided if I wasn't going to make a dr. appointment I would at least take a test. What really pushed me over the edge was that morning we were at the gym, 5 AM, and I started crying on the treadmill. I mean I was listening to Chris Mann..... who is so amazing you could cry, but I don't normally cry in the morning for no reason. So Friday night John gets home from work and I show him the positive test. Thankfully I'd had about 2 hours before hand to get the crying, hyperventilating, freak out over with. Well there is nothing longer than a weekend when you can't get into a doctor, can't even make an appointment until Monday morning. The doctor I wanted to go to couldn't get me in for a week and a half so I found another doctor that could see me that day because John had gone into an "until it's official" stance. I wasn't impressed with the doctor's office and honestly she freaked me out when she said she only wanted me to gain 10-15 lbs during the pregnancy. Thankfully I was referred to another doctor who I have really liked and seems much more realistic and approachable. I am happy to say though, that up to 18 weeks I hadn't gained any weight. I think that's out the window now, but I was feeling pretty good about myself. I'm still wearing all my regular clothes, which I like as well, but I'm not sure how much longer that will last.

We have the appointment set for May 9th to find out gender. That will be fun. We've interviewed 4-5 daycares and I've called many more. I think we have a decent idea of what direction we're headed there. I've thoroughly researched my works maternity leave which is AWFUL. At least we know now so we can hopefully prepare for it financially. I've also decided there will be no pregnancy pictures of me. I will not be taking a mold of my stomach, I will not be having a photo shoot with me and a fat stomach...nope not going to happen. I have made the request to have a picture of the baby and my puppies when the time comes. That's all I want. I guess that's about it for now.