Here goes nothing

I've been thinking about this post for a few days and debating about whether I would sit down and write it or not, but .....here goes nothing. (Sorry it's a small novel).

I want to deconstruct the last 15 years of my life according to my weight. Yep, I'm going to put it all out there, because I am old enough to say 'you can like me the way I am or I don't need to know you'. Let's face it as a woman there is a lot of pressure whether real or imagined on our weight and looking a certain way and wearing a certain size, etc. I understand that I will probably never be what I weighed in November of 1999 when I got down to a size 6 for the first time in a long time because I was being 'emotional'.

I don't think I've ever been 'tiny'. I prove this point with my giant hands. I don't have tiny dainty fingers. I think my middle finger is a size 11. I also don't think that I look like I weigh as much as I do (but maybe I do). So that being said, most of high school I was a size 8 about 120 lbs. I would love to get back there again but I'm not holding my breath!

Then came freshman year of college. Living in SLC on my own and learning that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese the shapes with a little extra butter is DELISH! Yep, I gained the freshman 10...plus another probably 30. I am not sure but I think I probably gained at least 30 lbs that year. We loved to eat out (Olive Garden!!), and eat a lot of really bad stuff for us. I think that is just part of that period in life. Working out? What? Uh, no. The most working out I did was walking 1/2 a block to college in a mansion and up the 2 flights of stairs to the 3rd floor of the apartment building. I think by the end of that first year I was into a size 10 or 12. Yep, if I could redo any time health wise in my life it might be that year.

After that first year of college I moved back home. I got engaged that summer and married 9 months later. Let's face it, that 9 months wasn't too kind either. We ate out a lot because what else was there to do? Still not really physically active and still believing my childhood metabolism would never slow down. By February 2002 I weighed about 160-165 and I think I was a size 12. I wasn't proud that in 2 years I'd gained about 40 or so pounds but I also didn't fret about it. Life was busy being a newlywed, working, being in school, etc. I wasn't really active and I ate anything I wanted and I seemed to stay about 165 so who cared? I will never forget that my cousin was getting married not too long after me and my mom and grandma were talking about her possibly borrowing my wedding dress and my grandma said I was fatter than my cousin. I was kind of shocked and hurt and I'll admit that now because I remember it 13 years later so it must have hurt.

I can say that for the next 8 years I did so-so. By 2010ish I weighed about 175-180. So I was gaining an average of 1-2 lbs a year. I was sort of ok with that. I mean it was so much better than what had happened to me between 2000-2002. I wasn't gaining a lot and I wasn't being any more active than I'd ever been. Like a lot of people by this time I was in a very sedentary job. I also at out lunch almost every day. Wendy's was my best friend.

I don't know when I became unhappy with my weight or when it really started to sink in that I needed to do something. I know I crash dieted occasionally. I have done low carb, no carb, HCG, juice cleanse, Nutrisystem, Medifast, etc. and nothing works. I've cut out coffee, cut out soda, cut out red meat, etc. and nothing really seems to be the key to lose weight for me. I think I have a little bit of a genetic handicap (sorry mom and dad but genetically I think there's a force working against me).

Around 2008 I started going to the gym. I got a personal trainer. He was convinced that it was just a matter of diet and exercise. I did a lot of different diets with him, had a body bug, tried cardio, tried weights, tried resistance. After a solid year of working with him I hadn't even lost 5 lbs. He finally agreed that there might be some medical hindrances as well. For anyone who has read my post about pregnancy you know that from 2003 forward I was also dealing with some medical/female issues that may or may not have played a part in this. Again, I don't think I'm genetically meant to be small; I can (could) almost bench press my body weight. I can clean and press 70lbs in high heels (I have the picture to prove it), but I still wasn't happy with my weight or body. Because I wasn't having any luck I pretty much quit the gym at this time.

Jumping to 2010 and we joined the gym again. I was still cruising at the solid 175-180lbs/size 14. I had decided that running the most natural exercise I could do (what did they do back in the day when there weren't gyms? They walked and ran everywhere). I have never been a runner but I was determined I was going to try. I remember when I did my first 15 minute mile. I thought that was AWESOME. I was 'running' on the treadmill pretty much everyday and lifting weights as well. I was still eating whatever I wanted and seeing no results! I did feel better about myself and my energy increased but you still want to see some change or you get discouraged. I think I did drop a few pounds and probably lost some inches but nothing significant.

Then February 2014 I found out I was pregnant. That was such a shock for me. Among other reasons I do think that being more active (along with getting the female issues resolved) played a part in why it happened. I remember the first doctor I went to pretty much told me I was obese and that could make my pregnancy high risk and to gain only 10-15 lbs for the whole thing. I never went back to her. I worried my whole pregnancy about blowing up. I think total I ended up gaining about 18-20lbs and I ate anything I wanted which was awesome.

I was really happy when within about a week of having JJ I was back to pre-pregnancy weight. Then the next 11 weeks happened. I was tired, exhausted, worn out, and sitting home alone all day. I didn't sit here and eat Bon Bons but eggs and toast? Or cream of wheat with a bunch of brown sugar? Yep! And soda and candy! By the time I went back to work I was up to almost my end pregnancy weight. I think I was about 198 and probably a size 16. I was disgusted with myself but I felt at a loss. I didn't know how or where to fit in working out, working full time, and having a baby, and being a wife. It weighed pretty heavy on my mind. I had several personal come to Jesus meetings to try and talk myself down and just relax and give it time. Spending time with that amazing little guy was WAY more important than working out. It still is and always will be.

However I know in my heart that I want to be more for him. I don't want him to be ashamed of me or me ever not be able to do something with him because of the physical condition I am in. I finally settled that the only way I was going to fit exercise into my day was to get up about 445 every morning and go running. I don't like being up that early and I fight it every day. It's an internal struggle to drag myself out of bed and not get that extra 45 min of sleep and I am EXHAUSTED by the middle of the week! I also hadn't been a fan of running outside because I think it is harder than a treadmill. It's scary to think that however far from the house I get myself I have to get myself BACK; not just jump off the treadmill and walk to my car. But I am back at it. I'm not running far everyday and some days are better than others. It's really hot right now and it sucks but I'm not going to quit.

I'm also trying to log my food and count calories. There are different theories on if that is a good way to lose weight or not, but it's not a method I've really tried before. Guess what, it sucks too! To realize that the delicious Pringles chips are basically a days and a half worth of my calories or that my 'normal not oversized' helping of spaghetti is like 500 calories just for the noodles sucks! But I feel like I'm getting the hang of it. I'm not afraid to have a cheat day or go over my count by a lot or a little. I just recognize that when I do I have to get right back on track the next day. I have to realize that the banana split John talked me into last night will probably reflect on the scale tomorrow. I am learning to not feel guilty because I used ground turkey instead of beef and John doesn't like it. I made chard with my dinner tonight because I wanted it and it's good for me even though John won't eat it. I have to take care of myself and he has to adapt to what works for him. I'm trying to settle into the mindset that this is 1. a marathon not a sprint and 2. it needs to be a life long change. It took me 15 years to get here it's going to take more than 15 days to get back.

So that is the past 15 years of my life according to my weight. I'm seeing some results. Slowly, but results nonetheless. I'm not quite to pre-pregnancy weight yet, but I'm cutting into the last 10 lbs of it. I don't know measurements because I never measured to know if I'm losing inches, but at least I feel solidly back into size 14 versus 16. Hopefully once I hit pre-pregnancy weight I can keep going. I'm not shooting for high school 120 lbs, but maybe newlywed weight? And I can honestly say I love running. I want to go everyday because I love the sweat, I love the calorie burn, I love the energy I get from it. I feel so much more accomplished with this running than any of the running I ever did at the gym. I'm not going the distances I did and the times aren't as good as at the gym, but I feel that these runs now are more honest than any of those gym runs ever were.

Last thought, I'm freaking out a little as I finish this about publishing it. No one knows my weight except me and my doctor but I don't know maybe it will be liberating. Here goes nothing....