November Part 2

Let's see if I can remember the rest of the month! After SF Shar had arranged a surprise get together for Nick's graduation. It was fun to visit with Nathan and Erica and Sophie. I gave JJ a cupcake which he did much better with than his birthday cake. BrookLynn didn't believe she had frosting all over her face so I took a picture to prove it to her.

 Before that weekend we'd felt that JJ was maybe not feeling great but he hadn't been too bad and that Saturday we weren't going to have him out for long, but it was such a nice day and he had such a good time playing outside. By that evening he was really struggling to breathe and fever had spiked. So we ended up at urgent care again. They gave him stuff for his fever and we did a breathing treatment (or maybe they gave him an oral steroid and a breathing treatment). Anyways that was a fun 10 minutes fighting him on the treatment and then they kept us there to monitor him for 2 hours. It is hard to entertain a 1 yr old for 2 hours in a tiny little room.

 The next day he seemed to be doing a lot better. In fact, he was really happy most of the day. Because there'd been no fever or anything we sent him to daycare, but by the time I picked him up Monday evening he had a fever of like 101.2. Having been gone for SF and then having a short week with Thanksgiving it was a really bad time for me to not go to work, but I wanted to be home with him. We ended up having John's mom watch JJ for a few hours and then I came home early. Wednesday my work let us off 4 hours early so we did the same thing.

 Quite the difference from one day jumping around the fridge to having a high fever the next.

I guess I didn't get any pictures of Thanksgiving. So I'll just sum it up. We had Thanksgiving dinner at John's moms. We made deviled eggs which this year we experimented with avocado deviled eggs. They must have been ok because they all got eaten! Besides us Nick's family was there, the Nathan Davis family, Stephanie and Bart, Kim, Paul, Brittany, and Aiyah, and Jerry and Ginger. I think in total we had 21 people. It was a lot of fun, food, and good visiting.

 I got out of the shower one morning to find this on the mirror. It's sort of hard to see, but it says 'I love mom'. John and JJ had been in the bathroom letting Bug breathe some steam and they must have been playing.

 Wow, I'm all jumbled up. This was the day before Thanksgiving. Someone was feeling better climbing all over stuff and inside his wagon.

 Anyways, black Friday we didn't do much. I know that evening we went to dinner with Kim and Paul at Arrogant Butcher. After they went to the Suns game and we came home. One of JJ's favorite things about grandma's house is the golf cart.

 We took Boo shopping for some new jammies to try and keep him warm at nights. He wasn't thrilled with the hat.

 We did get him a new car seat for Nick's car. The cheap one I found on facebook was driving me crazy because I couldn't get the straps to loosen and tighten very easily.

And apparently next I have some random pictures of JJ. These are the best jammies we've found so far. He's pretty cute in his mickey flannel pajama set. The pants are too long and he trips on them alot though. 

I love this picture and how he crosses his feet in his chair. Sometimes I think it's because he was this way in womb. 

 Saturday night Shar and I went to the Phoenix Symphony presents Pixar. I haven't been to the symphony down here and I was really excited for it. We'd bought tickets back the beginning of October so I'd been waiting a while to go.

I loved it!

 This was the program. It's definitely different to hear the music so clear without the talking. I had jotted down some notes about different songs but apparently my phone deleted them. So let's see what I can do from memory.

Finding Nemo - this score really makes me emotional for some reason. I teared up a little and this was probably my overall most favorite piece.

Cars - I think it was Cars that I realized has an awesome brass section. I always love when the horns get a strong section (one reason I love Masquerade in Phantom).

Toy Story 3 - Another movie that makes me cry and this was not an exception. All the pixar music is so iconic and recognizable.

Brave - This had an awesome Scottish sound with the bagpipes and I loved it.

Anyways, overall I really enjoyed it and hope they do it again. I would like to take John as I think even he would enjoy it.

 Last on this cluster is Saturday day we went to Escape the Room. We did the Rec Room which is an 80s themed room. I really expected this room to be easier. Having done 2 other rooms and loving the 80s I thought we'd get through it easily. But when we were 40 minutes in and only 1/3 of the way through I thought there was no way we were getting out. We made some stupid mistakes and we barely got out! We learned that John's sense of urgency is different than everyone else and Nick wanted to electrocute himself. Good times like always!

A rant? A lament? A reflection.

I've been thinking about this post for the past few hours; letting things stew. I like to wait and see if things burn themselves out with me or if they take hold. I like to think before I say things and really decide if they are worth saying. So this post may be written more because of a recent incident but there are a few things that have been in my mind for quite some time.

One year and 10 months ago my life changed. My life changed not when I had JJ but when I found out I was pregnant. I think I pretty much saw the range of reactions from friends and family from laughing to shock to surprise. I think I went through the same. John and I had FINALLY reached a point where we were both on the same page about kids; we didn't want them and weren't going to have them. After many, many years of one or the other of us wanting to try we were both finally ok with not having kids. We make decent money and had a group of similar friends. We were having a great time doing what we wanted/when we wanted.

Pregnancy and parenthood changed all of that. I can be consumed with JJ's needs. Is he warm enough, is he getting enough sleep, did he eat enough, etc. and those are just his immediate needs. What about will he have friends, will he be smart, will I be able to give him the guidance he needs to navigate childhood and adolescence? It's an endless list of worries and what if's.

John and I find ourselves in a group we've never been a part of before; the parent group. We're also sort of here alone because our friends with kids for the most part had their kids years ago. Lots of our friends have kids graduating high school. They're back to empty houses and freedom to do whatever just as we're being tied down with a toddler. I think we sort of latch onto other people we find in our same situation because we want someone who is experiencing the same thing and understands. I think most people do this; it's natural to want to feel like you fit in. I hope none of our friends with kids take that wrong. I certainly appreciate those who have helped/offered help, advice, just an understanding smile. I will continue to lean on you for support ever more.

I remember when I got married it was like suddenly the Grand Canyon had sprung up between my friends and I. I had entered a different phase of life and it's like we just didn't connect anymore. I wasn't going out to pick up guys or shut down the bar and they were still being young and carefree. There was drifting apart which I attributed to the natural course of life. In hindsight I wish we'd stayed in touch better, but surprisingly I think I'm friends with most of them on Facebook and feel like I could call up pretty much any of them and have a nice talk any day. We're all pretty scattered across the country so that doesn't make it any easier to stay in touch. I hope they feel the same about me.

Am I back in that situation? Is JJ the new Grand Canyon? Is it a real canyon or a self imposed canyon? Having fairly recently been on the no-kids side of the canyon I truly do understand that sometimes they just can't understand this new life of mine. I try to integrate JJ into my 'old' lifestyle, but in many ways it really isn't an option. I try to remember that while JJ is everything in my life that isn't so in their life AND their life is still important to me as a friend, but I'm afraid I've not done very well at showing that. Finding out what is happening in their lives has taken a back seat to everything I am navigating through.

I sat here tonight trying to figure out if I had done something wrong or offended someone that would cause a change in our friendship from what it has been in the past. I couldn't come up with anything which in some ways made me feel good (I did remember to invite them to JJ's birthday party!) but also just more confused. I don't know if JJ has anything to do with it or maybe they felt our friendship had run it's natural course. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and think there is some sort of 'prejudice' because I now have a child while they think I wouldn't want to be bothered with their thing. I just don't know.

I don't know how to navigate parenting and friendships; I'm learning. I don't know if asking for help sometimes is a bother or if someone is just waiting for me to ask. I don't know if not getting an invite to something is being cut out or someone trying to respect my family and their needs. I don't know if people are sitting back waiting for me to take the lead or if they are distancing themselves. I just don't know.

Being a parent has changed me. It had to. How could it not? But I'm older and supposedly wiser now than when I got married and I don't want to lose people in my life like before. As hard of a shell as I appear to have I believe I'm actually quite sensitive on the inside and I tend to withdraw; into myself, into my husband, and into my family. I am thankful for the core of people around me who I know love and support us and I hope anyone who thinks they might be on the fringe of my life know that they matter to me. I value all of my friends and the friendships we've built and if you feel I haven't lived up to that I'm sorry, I'm learning, and I hope to be more aware of that moving forward. However, I am also unapologetic that I am now a mother and he wins. All the time; he wins. But I believe there is a happy medium.