I've been thinking about this post for the past few hours; letting things stew. I like to wait and see if things burn themselves out with me or if they take hold. I like to think before I say things and really decide if they are worth saying. So this post may be written more because of a recent incident but there are a few things that have been in my mind for quite some time.
One year and 10 months ago my life changed. My life changed not when I had JJ but when I found out I was pregnant. I think I pretty much saw the range of reactions from friends and family from laughing to shock to surprise. I think I went through the same. John and I had FINALLY reached a point where we were both on the same page about kids; we didn't want them and weren't going to have them. After many, many years of one or the other of us wanting to try we were both finally ok with not having kids. We make decent money and had a group of similar friends. We were having a great time doing what we wanted/when we wanted.
Pregnancy and parenthood changed all of that. I can be consumed with JJ's needs. Is he warm enough, is he getting enough sleep, did he eat enough, etc. and those are just his immediate needs. What about will he have friends, will he be smart, will I be able to give him the guidance he needs to navigate childhood and adolescence? It's an endless list of worries and what if's.
John and I find ourselves in a group we've never been a part of before; the parent group. We're also sort of here alone because our friends with kids for the most part had their kids years ago. Lots of our friends have kids graduating high school. They're back to empty houses and freedom to do whatever just as we're being tied down with a toddler. I think we sort of latch onto other people we find in our same situation because we want someone who is experiencing the same thing and understands. I think most people do this; it's natural to want to feel like you fit in. I hope none of our friends with kids take that wrong. I certainly appreciate those who have helped/offered help, advice, just an understanding smile. I will continue to lean on you for support ever more.
I remember when I got married it was like suddenly the Grand Canyon had sprung up between my friends and I. I had entered a different phase of life and it's like we just didn't connect anymore. I wasn't going out to pick up guys or shut down the bar and they were still being young and carefree. There was drifting apart which I attributed to the natural course of life. In hindsight I wish we'd stayed in touch better, but surprisingly I think I'm friends with most of them on Facebook and feel like I could call up pretty much any of them and have a nice talk any day. We're all pretty scattered across the country so that doesn't make it any easier to stay in touch. I hope they feel the same about me.
Am I back in that situation? Is JJ the new Grand Canyon? Is it a real canyon or a self imposed canyon? Having fairly recently been on the no-kids side of the canyon I truly do understand that sometimes they just can't understand this new life of mine. I try to integrate JJ into my 'old' lifestyle, but in many ways it really isn't an option. I try to remember that while JJ is everything in my life that isn't so in their life AND their life is still important to me as a friend, but I'm afraid I've not done very well at showing that. Finding out what is happening in their lives has taken a back seat to everything I am navigating through.
I sat here tonight trying to figure out if I had done something wrong or offended someone that would cause a change in our friendship from what it has been in the past. I couldn't come up with anything which in some ways made me feel good (I did remember to invite them to JJ's birthday party!) but also just more confused. I don't know if JJ has anything to do with it or maybe they felt our friendship had run it's natural course. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and think there is some sort of 'prejudice' because I now have a child while they think I wouldn't want to be bothered with their thing. I just don't know.
I don't know how to navigate parenting and friendships; I'm learning. I don't know if asking for help sometimes is a bother or if someone is just waiting for me to ask. I don't know if not getting an invite to something is being cut out or someone trying to respect my family and their needs. I don't know if people are sitting back waiting for me to take the lead or if they are distancing themselves. I just don't know.
Being a parent has changed me. It had to. How could it not? But I'm older and supposedly wiser now than when I got married and I don't want to lose people in my life like before. As hard of a shell as I appear to have I believe I'm actually quite sensitive on the inside and I tend to withdraw; into myself, into my husband, and into my family. I am thankful for the core of people around me who I know love and support us and I hope anyone who thinks they might be on the fringe of my life know that they matter to me. I value all of my friends and the friendships we've built and if you feel I haven't lived up to that I'm sorry, I'm learning, and I hope to be more aware of that moving forward. However, I am also unapologetic that I am now a mother and he wins. All the time; he wins. But I believe there is a happy medium.
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